Are you on one or more dating apps? Chances are your dating app bio could probably use some work.
So if you are someone looking to attract a normal woman with fewer issues than Esquire magazine, we can give you a few hints in what not to include.
1. “Fluent in Sarcasm”
Or literally any mention of sarcasm at all, to be honest. People love to claim to be sarcastic because they think it makes them sound smart and a little edgy. It doesn’t. It just makes you sound like everyone else. Also, claiming to be sarcastic doesn’t actually mean that you are sarcastic. If you’re really so fluent in sarcasm, why not just write something sarcastic? Unfortunately, sarcasm is more difficult to execute well than the amount of self-proclaimed sarcasm experts on dating apps may lead you to believe, and people often confuse sarcasm with just being mean. Fun fact: this is especially true of people who feel the need to advertise their sarcastic ways. So if you really think sarcasm is so integral to your personality that you need to address it in your dating-app bio, you might just be mean. Just a heads up.
2. “Alpha Male”
Because the phrase “alpha male” is one of the most glaring red flags a dating-app bio can contain to alert a woman that the man behind that profile is most likely a raging misogynist who has internalized far more than his share of toxic masculinity. This is an important thing for a woman to know as early as possible, so I don’t want to tip all the “alpha males” off and make it harder for women to identify you.
Everyone always wants to talk about their love for “adventures” and/or their desire to find someone to go on “adventures” with. This is vague and overplayed. What is an adventure? What are you talking about? Are we going skydiving? Extreme couponing? Robbing a bank? Be more specific. Or really, be more honest. You don’t want to go on an “adventure.” You want to go on a few dates that are decent enough that you both agree to just keep doing that until you either get married or one of you stops responding to the other one’s texts.
The only people legally allowed to use the word “wanderlust” are girls under the age of 15, and even then, they should be deeply ashamed of having done so within no more than three years. If you are not a girl under the age of 15, do not put the word “wanderlust” in your dating-app bio. If you are a girl under 15, you are not supposed to be on dating apps yet.
5. “Proud Dog Dad”
I, very specifically, do not want to hear about your dog. This is because I do not like dogs. If you have a dog, you should try to keep this information away from me for as long as possible. But while I may be an outlier in my heartless dog antipathy, most people on dating apps, even those who enjoy dogs, don’t want to hear about your dog either. It’s boring. If you want to have some pictures of you and your dog to woo all the dog lovers, fine. But nobody cares how proud you are to be a “dog dad.” I would, however, be somewhat more intrigued by a self-proclaimed “ashamed dog dad,” so if that’s you, DM for my number.
6. “Partner in Crime”
7. “Looking for the Pam to my Jim”
Or any other references to The Office. Trust me on this one. Being really into The Office has been played out for so long that even being really into The Office ironically is played out. Again, I hesitate to give you this information because any mention of The Office is such a handy warning sign that the person who wrote that profile is the most basic kind of human being, but there, now you know. Take this gift and go try to become more interesting.
8. “Please believe in the Oxford comma.”
Some news: Thinking the Oxford comma is a sign of intellectual superiority is actually, in itself, a sign of intellectual inferiority. Pass it on.
Related: Avoid various other forms of faux-grammarian soapboxing as well, e.g., “Please know the difference between they’re, their and there,” or “Please know the difference between your and you’re.” If you’re trying to play the condescending intellectual superior card, at least pick a loftier perch than third-grade grammar from which to cast judgment upon the uneducated masses. Maybe try: “Please know the difference between postmodernism and poststructuralism.”
9. Pizza, tacos, sushi or really any kind of food.
Food, particularly extremely common, almost universally enjoyed food, is one of the most boring, played out things you could mention in your bio. Unless you are literally a chef or you want to talk about some kind of obscure food like your love for Eastern European Borscht, just don’t.
Contrary to popular belief, dating apps are not based entirely on looks. You could have the face of a Greek god and a body carved out of Renaissance marble, but good looks will only get you so far when you’re competing against an entire internet’s worth of comparably attractive men. (Not to mention, having extremely attractive photos and no bio is generally seen as a pretty glaring catfish red flag.) The biggest issue with having no bio is that it calls your very existence/status as a real person into question, but it also robs you of a crucial opportunity to 1. stand out from the pack, and 2. give potential matches a little more information on which to base their ultimate left- or right-swiped judgment. We don’t need your life story, but even but even a line or two (that doesn’t include any of the above clichés, please) can help matches get a better idea of what kind of person you are, and potentially sway a would-be left-swiper in your favor.